Miscellaneous Writing

I started selling plays right after graduating college; children’s stuff is the most fun to write. You have to be universally funny, not rely on references (because timely stuff expires), and create something that can be doable for seven kids or forty. Boys vs. Girls: Armageddon postulates a cootie-filled world of mutually assured destruction. It won awards (mostly in Australia), and you can read an excerpt here, or the play from the thumbnail you clicked here.

Atherton Performing Arts (Atherton, QLD, Australia).

The fun starts at 51:23.

Political Speechwriting
(For Burbank, CA Public Meeting)

I knocked on doors to help my buddy Konstantine Anthony become Mayor of Burbank; he’s a great guy. But public meetings can last hours and hours, so I try to add more levity. This comment came after they declared February children’s dental health month, halfway through the month.


First, I think we should appreciate that half of the shortest month is dedicated to children’s dental health. These roughly 2 weeks will open the proverbial treasure chest of flossing, brushing, and the hidden hero: mouthwash. I bet Kids would like it because, as we know, two weeks is a fortnight.

Personally, I think there should be a platinum Marcom award given to any dentist who doesn’t wait until your mouth is held open to ask you how your week is going.

Still, these are the kind of efforts that have made Burbank one of the best cities in Saint Fernando’s Valley, and the top five cities between North Hollywood and Glendale.

But doesn’t Burbank have enough Twin Cities?

Should we neglect Ota or Gabarone just to send emissaries to a city that is frankly covered with advertising? Sunset Boulevard has nothing compared to the sheer advertising volume of Roku city, the Roke as residents call it.

And unlike Solna Sweden, the Roke is constantly attacked by giant monsters, three by last count, although there may be more in Easter eggs.

While Burbank might lack fresh water, it shouldn’t be envious of Roku city’s active volcano, which might be a lord of the rings reference.

I am sorry to call my friend Mr. Mayor Anthony on the carpet over this matter, but perhaps he should return to the settings menu, and take a brief vacation to nautical or western.

Thank you if necessary!

Burbank (not Roku City).
New York (not Burbank).

Press Release:

Looking Back on an American Tradition

My more staid press releases don’t accurately reflect my personality and skill. In this (fictional) release, the new new founding fathers try and get ahead of the whole “purge” thing.
From: The New New Founding Fathers of America

For immediate release.

March 20th, 2049

For any who have heard the sirens, you know twelve hours is a long time. Thirty-three years is even longer, perhaps far too long to apologize. But we’re going to try.

Like all big social changes, it started with an idea. In 2016 government thinkers Arlo Sabian and Dr. May Updale proposed a temporary, half-day cessation of law. It was wild, and it was rocky, but it apparently worked! Soon, what began in a New York borough became a national sensation.

Some have asked, “How could you?”, but there was a historical precedent.

Hundreds of years before the common era, Romans celebrating Saturnalia reversed the social order, turning kings into fools and legalizing vice. It was in this spirit that the old New Founding Fathers made these changes.

Some argue that there were mercenaries and provocateur groups in the Staten Island experiment. This has never been proven, and if it has, the perpetrators are dead and legally distinct from the New New Founding Fathers.

The economic benefit of the systemic liquidation of the weakest Americans may seem surprising. But it worked, apparently! Canonically, the American economic engine functions with just the middle and upper class.

Unsplash says this is "The Purge."
More free Purge imagery.

Still, countervailing political winds prevailed. The eradication of the old NFFA in the election of Senator Roan to the presidency seemed to signal the end of the purge, as seen in the documentary “The Purge: Election Night”.

Unfortunately, lacking much of the institutional knowledge of the previous NFFA, and following the resurgent trend and Generation-A interest, the purge returned. We realize now that this was unwise and apologize to those confused, upset, or mutilated by this action.

While anti-NNFFA sentiment is popular, and the political project is all but abandoned, it’s worth taking stock. For example, the NNFFA’s public relations office committed only minor felonies during the latest purge, including: the trafficking of endangered animals, violation of federal overtime standards, and, ironically, perjury.

Perhaps in the future, we will celebrate March 21st as National Poetry Day or National Forest Day, instead of the day it’s legal for everybody to kill each other.

NB: It is a matter of public record that the NNNFA is not responsible for knock-on effects of governmental actions, including a possible “worldwide purge,” as those decisions were made during a purge (and are non-prosecutable). We would happily provide these records to federal authorities but, unfortunately, they were destroyed in a subsequent purge.

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